🦆 The Duck Pond

A modest bulletin this week, gentlemen, but the exclusive zero club never wants for correspondence, however slender the harvest. The First Eleven Against the Maidstone Conservative Club, our men found the willow uncooperative in one notable instance. Mr F Smith, sent in at number five, was bowled by J Bransome and returned to the pavilion without addition to the total — his first cipher of the season, and the second of a career now numbering five innings, placing him twenty-seventh of the two hundred and sixty-four names upon our melancholy roll. In this he draws level with an old and honourable predecessor, C French Snr, who compiled his own brace of naughts between 1860 and 1864 and was, in that latter year, crowned Duck of the Year — proof, if proof were wanted, that the art of not scoring has always run in good company at this club. The Week in Summary One match, one duck, and Mr Smith bears the whole burden of the week's ignominy alone — a solitary sentinel rather than a gathering of the fallen. Consistency, it must be said, of a very particular kind, and no less deserving of note for its modesty. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard Leading the field this season stands Mr George Champion, with two ducks from eight innings, a return of twenty-five per centum, achieved through what one might charitably call triumph through adversity. Close behind, level on a single duck apiece from a single innings — the full hundred per centum, no less — come Messrs A E Leatham, A Heathfield, R Giles and R Tree, each a paid-up member of the season's most emphatic company. We trust the eleven will contrive further material for these columns at the next fixture, and the Gazette stands ready, as ever, to record whatever fresh distinctions of failure the coming Saturday may furnish.

A quiet week, and no shame whatever attaches to it. Our correspondent must report, with a certain wistfulness, that the ducks evaded capture entirely this week. The eleven took the field on the 11th of August and, whatever else transpired at the wicket, not a single cipher was recorded against our name. The exclusive zero club, so often swollen by Saturday's exertions, admitted no new members this week. Whether this reflects a sudden and uncharacteristic competence with the willow, or merely that the bowling was found wanting, the correspondent declines to speculate. Members of a certain standing on the honours board may rest, or fret, as their temperament inclines them — their records remain, for now, exactly as they were left. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard The season's pursuit of the cipher continues unabated elsewhere, and the standings make sobering reading for the gentlemen concerned: - George Champion — 8 innings, 2 ducks, a rate of 25 per cent. A batsman evidently capable of considerable resistance, interspersed with the occasional lapse into total abstinence. - A E Leatham — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100 per cent. A perfect record, in its way, and not the sort a man frames for the mantelpiece. - A Heathfield — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100 per cent. Likewise a cipher at the first time of asking — the scorer had scarcely dipped his pen. - R Giles — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100 per cent. Joins the above gentlemen in that most select and least sought-after fraternity. - R Tree — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100 per cent. A fourth name added to the same sorry column, and no less welcome to the Club for it. It should be said, in fairness to Messrs Leatham, Heathfield, Giles and Tree, that a single innings is a slender basis upon which to judge a man's cricket, and the season is yet young enough for redemption. The correspondent looks forward, with his customary and entirely unbecoming eagerness, to the next fixture, which may be relied upon to furnish fresh material for these pages. Members are reminded that the timbers care nothing for reputation, and the willow may yet humble even the most watchful of our batsmen before the season is out.

A fixture against Rochester CC on the 2nd, and a further engagement at Headcorn on the 4th, have furnished the Club with no fewer than seven fresh additions to its roll of dubious distinction. The willow was, on several occasions this week, wielded to no visible purpose whatever. 1st XI Against Rochester, our innings yielded three ciphers in short order. Mr K McAlpine, sent in first wicket down, was smartly taken by H Newsome off X Fellowes for his first duck of the season and the first of his career in five completed innings — 81st of 261 in the club's long roll. On this very day in 1882, one W H Fryer likewise returned a duck's egg, against 1st Innings Boxley CC, a coincidence separated by fifteen years and no improvement in fortune. George Champion followed, bowled by J B Finlayson without scoring, his second duck of the present season and his fourth in a career of three-and-twenty innings — a tally that places him ninth of all who have ever failed to trouble the scorer for the Club, and sufficient, it seems, to have already secured him the Duck of the Year board for 1897. He, too, shares the anniversary with Mr Fryer's 1882 nought. The Reverend Thomas Burra, promoted to bat at nine, was caught by Finlayson off Fellowes for a duck — his second of a career now numbering eleven innings, and the 37th such performer of all time. The reverend gentleman keeps, it might be observed, distinguished company on this same calendar date. At Headcorn on the 4th, the rot continued in earnest. Tom Peach Senior, at number seven, was bowled by E Holland without scoring — his third career duck in seventeen innings, the 21st of all time, and, by pleasant coincidence, a duck struck on this same date in an earlier year of 1869 by one W H Fryer against Horsmonden CC. Mr A Heathfield, appearing for the very first time in club colours, was bowled by W Clinch for a nought on his maiden appearance — a debut duck of the purest and most immediate kind, and one that places him at the modest but respectable rank of 42nd of 261 all-time. R Tree, following at ten, was likewise bowled by Clinch without scoring, his first career duck in a brief innings of two, ranking 92nd of all time. And to close proceedings, R Giles, also making his first appearance for the Club, was bowled by Clinch for nought — a second debutante duck in the very same innings, ranking 88th of all time. Messrs Heathfield, Tree and Giles were all despatched by the same bowler's hand, a fact the correspondent notes without further comment, beyond observing that Mr Clinch appears to have found something in the wicket that our lower order did not. A Word on the Week Two matches, seven ducks — a rate of failure the Club's honours board will record with its customary solemnity rather than alarm. Three wickets fell without score inside a single Headcorn innings, all to the one bowler, which is either misfortune or a want of application, and the correspondent, ever charitable, inclines toward the former. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard - George Champion — 7 innings, 2 ducks, 28.57 per cent - A E Leatham — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100 per cent - A Heathfield — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100 per cent - R Giles — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100 per cent - R Tree — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100 per cent The Club extends its compliments to all who have this week enlarged the roll, and looks forward, with the quiet confidence of long experience, to further additions at the next fixture. The willow, as ever, awaits its next volunteer.

A modest bulletin this week, gentlemen, but the club's honours board is not one to turn away a single contribution, however slender the harvest. 1st XI — away to Brenchley CC Mr Ernest Cruttenden, coming in at number four, was bowled by W J Noakes and returned to the pavilion without addition to the total. It is his first cipher of the present season and the seventh of a distinguished career now standing at thirty-one innings, a return that places him third of two hundred and fifty-eight upon the club's all-time roll of honour — a position, one might observe, not easily dislodged. Readers will recall Mr Cruttenden's name already graces the board as Duck of the Year for 1895, so this latest addition may be taken as a gentleman keeping his hand in rather than any falling away of form. Of particular note, Mr Cruttenden's tally of seven now sits precisely level with that of the venerable A Startup, whose eleven innings between 1868 and 1882 yielded the same figure, and whose own name adorns the board no fewer than three times over as Duck of the Year, together with the rare distinction of five ducks in a row. To draw level with such a figure, even by the unhappy arithmetic of noughts, is scarcely a disgrace. The week in summary One fixture, one dismissal for a cipher, and the willow otherwise behaved itself tolerably well against Brenchley CC. A quiet week for the exclusive zero club, though its members will assure you that quality, not quantity, has always been the club's watchword. Duck Hunting Season leaderboard - A E Leatham — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100% - H G Smith — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100% - S Smith — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100% - R Upcher — 3 innings, 1 duck, 33.33% - Ernest Cruttenden — 4 innings, 1 duck, 25% The season's leading practitioners of the art of not scoring remain closely bunched, and the committee looks forward, with its customary mixture of dread and delight, to the additions the next fixture will surely bring. Members are reminded that the timbers care nothing for reputation, and the pavilion gate swings both ways.

Four eggs were laid before the season's sun this week, our men contributing handsomely to that most exclusive of registers, the zero club, across three fixtures. 1st XI - On the 17th, against Mr H Wilson-Smith's eleven, Mr A E Leatham came in at first wicket down and was caught R E Marchant bowled S Mendel without troubling the scorer. This being his very first innings for the Club, it stands as both his maiden appearance and his maiden duck — a debut of the most economical kind — entering him at once at 40th of 258 upon the all-time roll. Members of a historical bent will note that upon this very date in 1867, one T Gandy suffered an identical fate against the 1st Innings of Leeds Park CC. - The same afternoon brought a second cipher, Mr R Upcher being bowled by S Mendel for nought at number seven — his first duck of the season, and indeed the first in a career now spanning four innings, placing him 88th of 258. He shares his date, if not his match, with T Gandy's duck of 1867 against Leeds Park CC. - On the 21st, against Maidstone CC, Mr H G Smith was caught F E Wallis bowled G Attwood for a duck's egg at first wicket down. His first blemish of the season, though the second upon a career of six innings, it lifts him to 28th of 258. A twelvemonth almost to the day separates him from H W Smith's duck of 1896 against the Royal West Kent Regiment CC, struck upon this same date. - Maidstone completed their afternoon's work by removing Mr George Champion, caught F E Wallis bowled A Boardman for nought at number four — his first duck of the season, his third in a career of twenty innings, and a lofty 17th of 258 upon the roll of dishonour. Mr Champion carries this season the distinction of Duck of the Year 1897, a title he appears determined to defend with some vigour. He too shares his date with H W Smith's duck of a year previous. Three matches, four ducks, and the willow proved a stern master throughout — Maidstone CC alone accounted for two of our men in a single afternoon, while Mr S Mendel enjoyed a fine morning's sport against the top order on the 17th. No pair of misfortunes befell any one gentleman twice, for which small mercy the eleven may be grateful. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard - A E Leatham — 1 innings, 1 duck (100%) - H G Smith — 1 innings, 1 duck (100%) - S Smith — 1 innings, 1 duck (100%) - R Upcher — 2 innings, 1 duck (50%) - George Champion — 4 innings, 1 duck (25%) The eleven takes the field again presently, and the Club awaits, with its customary and quite undiminished optimism, the next candidates for its honours board. Members are reminded that the art of not scoring demands a discipline all its own, and our correspondents shall be watching keenly.

A single fixture furnished the eleven with but one occasion for the exclusive zero club this week, yet one occasion is all the ceremony requires. The First Eleven Number ten, S Smith, went to the wicket against Sutton Valence School and returned to the pavilion caught F B Thornhill off the bowling of the Reverend J C Wilson, his name entered upon the season's ledger for the first time this year. It is his third duck's egg in nine innings for the club, a record of consistency of a very particular kind that places him eighteenth of two hundred and fifty-two in the club's long roll of the dismissed. In this he now stands shoulder to shoulder with Mr A Kent, whose own three ducks in five innings back in 1893 were sufficient, that season, to carry off the Duck of the Year honour itself — no small society for Mr Smith to find himself keeping. The Week in Summary One match, one wicket surrendered without score, and the leather may fairly be said to have had the better of the willow on this occasion. A modest week for the club's chroniclers, but the timbers are ever patient, and Sutton Valence School will doubtless furnish further opportunity before the season is out. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard - S Smith — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100 per cent A leaderboard of one is, admittedly, a leaderboard easily led, and we trust the remainder of the eleven will not long permit Mr Smith to stand there unchallenged. The club awaits the next fixture with its customary mixture of dread and anticipation, confident that further ciphers will not long delay themselves.

Gentlemen, a curious week for the annals. Our correspondent must report, with something approaching regret, that the timbers went undisturbed this week — not a single wicket fell to a duck's egg, and the exclusive zero club welcomes no new members from the fixture just played. Whether this speaks to a sudden and uncharacteristic soundness of technique among our batsmen, or whether the bowling on offer was simply not equal to the task of inducing failure, this correspondent cannot say. Triumph through adversity requires, at minimum, some adversity, and none seems to have presented itself at the crease this week. We trust it is merely a lapse, and that our men will return to the art of not scoring in due course. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard The season standings remain undisturbed by this week's want of material, no returns having been furnished for the present table. The correspondent notes, for the benefit of members anxious about the club's ongoing health, that a quiet week of scoring is no cause for alarm — the ledger merely awaits its next contribution. Members are warmly reminded that the next fixture stands ready to supply what this one so ungenerously withheld, and the committee remains confident that dismissal for a cipher shall return to its rightful place in the club's affections before very long. Until then, we remain, as ever, hopeful.

A quiet week, gentlemen, and we confess ourselves almost disappointed by it. One fixture was played upon the appointed day, and not a single member of either eleven troubled the scorer with a cipher against his name. The timbers stood, the leather was struck, and — most vexingly for this correspondent — every man who walked to the wicket contrived to leave it having scored. The exclusive zero club, that place of dubious distinction, gained not one new subscriber this week. We are informed the bowling was respectable and the batting sounder still, which is a fine thing for the fixture and a rather barren one for these pages. Even our most reliable friends of the nought appear, this week at least, to have mislaid the knack. The Season's Honours The Duck Hunting Season ledger for 1897 stands, as yet, unopened. No gentleman has claimed a place upon it, and the leaderboard is consequently a blank page awaiting its first entrant. We trust this happy state of affairs — happy for the batsmen, if not for the correspondent — shall not endure a second week running. In Closing We commend the eleven on a match played without ignominy, while noting privately that the art of not scoring is a discipline this club exists to honour, and honour it we shall resume at the very next opportunity. Members are reminded that the timbers care nothing for reputation, and that the next fixture will very likely furnish this Gazette with rather livelier material. Until then, we remain hopeful, watchful, and only a little disappointed. --- One quick note outside the report: a change from the team (skills#27) is waiting in your review queue whenever you'd like to go through it — happy to pull it up on request.