🦆 The Duck Pond

A rare and troubling development from Linton Park this week, ducklings: one match played, and not a single soul offered themselves up to the exclusive zero club. Eleven — or twenty-two — batsmen went to the crease and, disgracefully, every one of them found the middle of the bat at least once. The art of not scoring, it seems, took the weekend off. We shall not pretend this doesn't sting. The Duck Club exists precisely for moments like these to be filled, and this week they were not. Whether this represents a genuine outbreak of competence or merely a temporary, unwelcome lapse in standards remains to be seen. Rest assured your correspondent will be watching next weekend's fixtures very closely indeed — someone, somewhere, is due. In the meantime, the season's serial offenders continue to circle ominously at the top of the table, and there is still everything to play for in this year's hunt for Duck of the Year. 🏆 Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard 1. Richard Piper — 5 ducks from 33 innings (15.15%) 2. Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks from 17 innings (23.53%) 3. Adam Pooley — 3 ducks from 6 innings — a startling 50%, the purest embodiment of triumph through adversity currently on the books 4. Michael Beeney — 3 ducks from 14 innings (21.43%) 5. Clive Newman — 3 ducks from 15 innings (20.0%) Adam Pooley in particular deserves a special mention: three ducks from just six trips to the crease is consistency of a very particular kind, and at this rate full membership of the club beckons rather sooner than most would like. 📅 Looking Ahead A quiet week for the collectors, but the season is far from over. Richard Piper leads the chase, Fred Cheesman lurks with intent, and Adam Pooley's remarkable strike rate suggests the next nought is never far away for at least one of our regulars. Get out there next weekend and do your duty for the club, ladies and gentlemen. The ducks won't collect themselves — well, actually, that's rather the point. We watch. We wait. We celebrate. 🦆0️⃣🏏

The season creaks toward its close but the exclusive zero club still found room for three fresh inductees this week — a debut, a repeat offender, and a proper dynasty entry — spread across Saturday, Sunday and a Wednesday midweeker. Saturday 20 September 🏏 2nd XI away at Elliotts CC A brand new name joins the roll: M- Wood, caught and bowled by Alan Ricketts at number seven, becomes the newest arrival in the club's most dubious congregation. First-ever innings, first-ever duck — straight onto the Debutante Duck board, and with career figures reading a spotless 1 from 1, already filed under One and Done for the 2003 vintage. Every dynasty starts somewhere. On this day in 1997, Daniel Thirkell (1993–2003, 19 career ducks, all-time 52nd, Tourist Duck top ten) was doing precisely the same thing against Borden CC. Some traditions run deep. Sunday 21 September 🏏 Sunday 1st XI v Anchorians CC (home) Paul Gibson departed for nought at first drop, caught J- Bacon bowled D- Raggett — his 1st duck of the season and 25th of a long and distinguished career from 421 innings, good for 41st on the all-time list. Paul is no stranger to early ignominy, having once bagged a Platinum Duck back in 1991 for departing first ball of the entire game — this week's effort a rather more leisurely instalment by comparison. On this day in 1958, Stan Wratten (1943–1984, 35 ducks, all-time 24th, one half of Quacking Together with John Ames) also walked for nought, against Tilling Steven. The circle remains unbroken. Wednesday 24 September 🏏 Midweek XI away at Penshurst Park CC Brian Piper rounds off the week's charge sheet, run out for nought at number four — his 21st career duck from 414 innings, 50th all-time. The Piper name is thoroughly embedded in club folklore on the noughts front, Brian keeping company with parent Richard Piper (33 career ducks) and siblings David (7) and James (3) — a proper family firm of failure, even if nobody's quite level with anybody else yet. On this day in 1989, Piers McDonald (1986–2003, 48 ducks, all-time 10th, Duck of the Year 1997 and 1998) also fell for nothing, against Anchorians CC. History does love to repeat the boring bits. 🍩 Week in Summary Three ducks from four matches — a modest week by the club's own gluttonous standards, but each one earns its place: a debut, a repeat, and a dynasty. No pairs, no king pairs, no family affairs this time — everyone failing quietly and alone. 0️⃣ Duck Hunting Season leaderboard 🥇 Richard Piper — 5 ducks from 32 innings (15.63%) 🥈 Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks from 17 innings (23.53%) 🥉 Adam Pooley — 3 ducks from 6 innings (50.00%) - Michael Beeney — 3 ducks from 14 innings (21.43%) - Clive Newman — 3 ducks from 15 innings (20.00%) Adam Pooley's 50% strike rate remains the most alarming figure in the club — a genuine triumph through adversity, if adversity means never quite getting off the mark. The season's winding down but the ducks rarely read a calendar. Get the bat out one more time and see whose name joins the list next. 🦆🏏

Three fixtures, one weekend, and the exclusive zero club welcomed four fresh entries to its ledger. The art of not scoring was alive and well at Linton Park. 1st XI v Whitstable CC (home) - David Castle departed at first drop, caught Unsure off Ben Purcell for nought — his 3rd duck of the season and 39th of a mighty career (651 innings), good for 18th in the all-time standings and a paid-up member of the Tourist Duck top 10. On this very date in 1975, John Thirkell — Linton's all-time duck king with 90 to his name — was also trudging back for nought, against Southborough CC. - Clive Newman edged lbw to Kaylem Short for his 3rd of the season and 14th career duck (302 innings, 65th all-time). Like Castle, he shares this calendar date in duck history with the great John Thirkell's 1975 effort. A family trade too — son Chris Newman already has a career duck of his own on the books. - Mike Redman was caught Eames, bowled Short, for nought — his 2nd of the season and 4th of a fledgling career (24 innings, 168th all-time). Same date, same ghost of Thirkell past looking over his shoulder. 2nd XI v Upchurch CC (away) - Christopher Thirkell was bowled by Phil Etherington without troubling the scorer — his 3rd this season, 11th career (76 innings, 79th all-time), and a Full House nearly-man having ducked in 10 of the club's 11 batting positions. Fittingly, his on-this-day parallel is kinsman John Thirkell's own 1975 duck — the family trade runs deep, with John (90), Tim (75), Nigel (55), Simon (46) and Daniel (19) all fellow career members of the zero club. Week in Summary Four ducks from three matches — Whitstable's bowlers did the early damage with three in one innings, Upchurch's claimed the fourth, and the third fixture of the weekend passed, disappointingly, without a single quack. A distinctly Thirkell-flavoured weekend all round. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard 🥇 1. Richard Piper — 5 ducks, 29 innings (17.2%) 2. Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks, 16 innings (25.0%) 3. Adam Pooley — 3 ducks, 6 innings (50.0%) 4. Michael Beeney — 3 ducks, 14 innings (21.4%) 5. Clive Newman — 3 ducks, 15 innings (20.0%) — fresh off tonight's addition and closing fast Next fixture beckons, and with it, no doubt, further additions to this most dubious of honours boards. The ducks never sleep. 🦆🍩0️⃣

Slim pickings from the weekend's three fixtures — the ducks mostly evaded the net, but the Duck Club committee is pleased to confirm one entry did meet the required standard. Sunday 1st XI — away at Tunbridge Wells CC Clive Newman, in at first drop, was lbw to Benjamin Entacott without troubling the scorers 0️⃣ — his second duck of the 2003 season and the 13th of a career now running to 300 innings. That tally holds him at a thoroughly respectable 67th of 1,294 in the all-time list of dubious distinction, built the honest way over the best part of two decades rather than in a single reckless burst. His kin Chris Newman carries a single career duck of his own — proof the family gift for not scoring occasionally skips a generation, and occasionally doesn't. Neat footnote for the historians: on this very date in 1977, none other than Tim Thirkell — 75 career ducks, 4th on the all-time roll, Duck of the Year 1972, and a fixture of both the Lone Duck and Homebody Duck top tens — also walked back for nought, against St Just CC. Twenty-six years apart, same calendar square, same fate. The zero club has a long memory. Week in Summary One duck from three matches is a quiet return by Linton standards — either the batting was uncharacteristically watertight or the bowlers simply weren't trying hard enough. Clive flies the flag alone this round, but the season is far from finished. Duck Hunting Season leaderboard 🏆 1. Richard Piper — 5 ducks / 28 innings (17.9%) 2. Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks / 16 innings (25.0%) 3. Adam Pooley — 3 ducks / 6 innings (50.0%) — the closest thing the club has to a specialist 4. Michael Beeney — 3 ducks / 13 innings (23.1%) 5. Kevin Presneill — 3 ducks / 17 innings (17.6%) Plenty of season left for the chasing pack to make their move. See you all at the next fixture — the nets await, and so, inevitably, does the zero. 🦆

Slim pickings this week, ladies and gentlemen — across two fixtures the Duck Club harvested precisely one specimen. But quality over quantity, as they say, and what a specimen it was. 🏏 Friendly XI — Boughton & Eastwell CC Opening the batting and evidently deciding one visit to the crease was enough excitement for the afternoon, David Castle departed c Paul Sinden b Craig Mannering without so much as troubling the scorers. This is his 2nd duck of the season and takes his career tally to a robust 38 — good enough for 19th on the all-time list out of 1,294 hopefuls, and another brick in his growing "Tourist Duck top 10" reputation, a man seemingly determined to collect noughts on every ground in Kent. Fittingly, on this very date back in 1980, Allan Cooper (1971–1989) was performing the identical ceremony against Staplehurst CC — and, in a pleasing symmetry the almanac didn't even need to try for, Cooper also retired on exactly 38 career ducks, one rung above Castle at 18th all-time. Two eras, two grounds, the same quietly magnificent total. Cooper himself is no stranger to companionship in failure, a three-time member of the "Only Two Quacks" club alongside Jim Hall, Jon Harris and Trevor Back. 📊 Week in Summary One duck from two matches is a rare bout of restraint by Linton Park standards — either the bowlers had an off week or the batsmen simply couldn't be bothered to disappoint us further. David Castle carries the flag alone this time, but the exclusive zero club never sleeps for long. 🏆 Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard 1. Richard Piper — 5 ducks / 26 innings (19.23%) 2. Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks / 15 innings (26.67%) 3. Michael Beeney — 3 ducks / 13 innings (23.08%) 4. Stuart Cheesman — 3 ducks / 15 innings (20.0%) 5. Adam Pooley — 3 ducks / 6 innings (50.0% — a genuinely heroic rate) Adam Pooley's 50% strike rate for nought remains the number to beat this season — consistency of a very particular kind. 🦆 Next fixture beckons, and with it, fresh opportunities for triumph through adversity. The zero club never turns anyone away. See you all at the crease — briefly, no doubt.

A quieter week for the exclusive zero club, but five names still queued up for membership across the club's programme. Let's get into it. 🏏 2nd XI Ron McCormick departed run out (scorer's verdict: "Unsure") away at Meopham CC — a fittingly mysterious way to collect his 2nd career duck from 98 innings, and his first of the season. That moves him to 310th of 1293 in the all-time table, and he remains a card-carrying member of the Retirement Duck club from a past farewell. On this day back in 1981, Brian Piper (1973–2003) also strolled back for nought, against Old Anchorians CC — the calendar has a long memory. ✈️ Tour XI The touring party found the artform alive and well on both sides of the Atlantic weather. At Falmouth CC, Andrew Varker was caught David Angove, bowled James Toseland, for a duck on his very first LPCC appearance — straight onto the Debutante Duck honours board, and already logged as "One and Done" for 2003. Let's hope the "career of a single duck" clause doesn't stick. On this day in 1996, Daniel Thirkell (1993–2003) also made a duck, so the date has form. Then Mullion CC did a number on the middle-lower order. John Taylor was bowled by Martin Von Allaman at seven for his 6th career duck from 59 innings — 130th of 1293 all-time. Next in, Tom Thirkell fell to Barry Partridge for career duck number 1 from just 4 innings, arriving to a family tree that could field its own team in this club: kin John Thirkell (90 career ducks), Tim Thirkell (75), Nigel Thirkell (55), father Simon Thirkell (46), siblings Daniel (19) and Christopher (10), and Stuart Thirkell (1) — the surname is basically a season ticket to the honours board. A standing Retirement Duck member too, from a past farewell. One place further down, - Bishop also fell to Barry Partridge for a debut duck, joining Varker in the Debutante Duck and "One and Done 2003" columns on the very same afternoon. Both Taylor, Thirkell and Bishop share the same on-this-day echo: Stan Wratten, also out for nought against D Hambrook XI on 29 August 1954 — proof the art of not scoring never goes out of fashion. 📊 Week in Summary Five ducks from seven matches, three of them harvested in a single innings at Mullion, with Barry Partridge personally accounting for two of the club's newest members. Consistency of a very particular kind. 🏆 Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard 1. Richard Piper — 5 ducks / 25 innings (20.0%) 2. Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks / 14 innings (28.6%) 3. Adam Pooley — 3 ducks / 6 innings (50.0%) 4. Michael Beeney — 3 ducks / 12 innings (25.0%) 5. Stuart Cheesman — 3 ducks / 15 innings (20.0%)

Four fixtures out on the paddocks this week and, mercifully for the bowling attacks concerned, three of them found a way through for the exclusive zero club. Bearsted CC did a fine afternoon's work on Saturday, seeing off both Linton senior sides in one go, before the Midweek boys added their own contribution on the Wednesday. Saturday 16th August — the Bearsted Double Out home at Linton, the 1st XI lost Rob Doick at number 6, caught Jivan De Silva bowled Kris Hill. A tidy, unfussy departure — no fireworks, just the quiet consistency of a very particular kind. It's Rob's 1st duck of the season and his 23rd for the club from 195 innings, keeping him handsomely placed at 45th of 1288 in the all-time ledger. Splendidly, on this very day back in 1953, LPCC great John Ames (1952–1978, 49 ducks, 9th all-time) also strolled back for nought against Mote A — Rob in fine historical company. Over at Bearsted Green, the 2nd XI fared no better for Richard Piper, bowled Thomas Judges at first drop. This is Richard's 5th duck of the season, moving him to 33 career ducks from 209 innings and 27th on the all-time list — and with Duck of the Year 2003 already on his honours board, he's the man everyone else in the season race is chasing. A proud member of the Ducks on the Road, Homebody Duck and Lone Duck top tens, plus the rare Full House (a duck at every position 1–11), Richard is thoroughly institutionalised in club folklore by now. He shares a duck-club bloodline too — father Brian on 20 career ducks and brother James on 3 — proper poultry farming, that family. And remarkably, Richard's stroll back also echoes John Ames's 1953 nought against Mote A, the same historical duck Rob found himself keeping company with. Two Lintonians, one long-dead namesake, same wretched day of the calendar. Wednesday 20th August — Midweek Mischief The Midweek XI's trip to face Tunbridge Wells Wednesday CC brought in Mike Elworthy at number 4, bowled Hemstalk. His 3rd duck of the season lifts him to 41 career ducks from 399 innings, 16th of 1288 all-time, and a card-carrying member of the Tourist Duck top ten. Back on this day in 1944, W Bunting (1941–1948, 5 ducks, 150th all-time) was also dismissed for nought, against KCC Maidstone — proof that the art of not scoring transcends generations. Week in Summary Three ducks from four matches — a 75% strike rate for the bowlers, and Bearsted CC in particular will sleep well tonight having claimed two of Linton's finest in a single afternoon. One fixture, somewhere in the fixture list, got away completely unscathed. Can't win them all, gentlemen. Duck Hunting Season leaderboard 🥇 1. Richard Piper — 25 inns, 5 ducks (20.0%) 2. Fred Cheesman — 14 inns, 4 ducks (28.57%) 3. Adam Pooley — 6 inns, 3 ducks (50.0%) 4. Michael Beeney — 12 inns, 3 ducks (25.0%) 5. Kevin Presneill — 15 inns, 3 ducks (20.0%) Richard leads for now, but Fred, Adam, Michael and Kevin are lurking with intent. The season's still young enough for a late surge — or a late collapse, depending how you look at it. 🍩 Next fixtures loom, and with them, no doubt, further additions to the honours board. We watch. We wait. We celebrate. 🦆0️⃣🏏

Five fixtures out on the paddock this week and the Duck Club's nets, frankly, came back with the slimmest of hauls. Just the one nought to report — but what it lacks in volume it makes up for in pedigree. 2nd XI Away at Kennington CC, Kent, Kevin Presneill strode out at four and departed bowled by David Finch without troubling the scoreboard. It's the 3rd duck of Presneill's season and the 4th of a growing career, now 4 ducks in 34 innings and installed at 164th of 1288 in the all-time reckoning — respectable company for a man quietly building a body of work in the art of not scoring. Nicely, the calendar obliged with a touch of history: on this very day in 1964, none other than club legend John Thirkell also strolled back for a duck, against Harrietsham CC. Thirkell finished his 1943–1977 career with a staggering 90 ducks, top of the all-time pile and a five-time Duck of the Year — a name Kevin now shares a page of the fixture list with, if not quite the honours board just yet. The week in summary Five matches, one duck — a rare week of restraint from the LPCC top order, or perhaps everyone simply remembered how to hold a bat. Kevin Presneill stands alone this week as the sole custodian of the zero club's newest entry. Duck Hunting Season leaderboard 1. Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks, 13 innings, 30.77% 2. Richard Piper — 4 ducks, 24 innings, 16.67% 3. Adam Pooley — 3 ducks, 6 innings, 50.00% 4. Michael Beeney — 3 ducks, 11 innings, 27.27% 5. Kevin Presneill — 3 ducks, 14 innings, 21.43% Presneill himself now sits in the season's top five — a man on a mission, whether he likes it or not. Quiet weeks never last. The nets are drying, the bowlers are sharpening, and somewhere out there next weekend's fixtures are already plotting fresh additions to the honours board. Same duck time, same duck place. 🦆🍩0️⃣

A quieter week in the exclusive zero club, but quality over quantity — three new entries to log, and by happy coincidence all three arrived as exactly the third duck of the season for their collector. Make of that what you will. Saturday — 1st XI v Headcorn CC Russell Baldwin fell at number 5, bowled Dave Harden. It's his 3rd duck of the campaign and 12th for the career in 126 innings, keeping him a steady 77th of 1288 in the all-time roll of dishonour. On this very day in 1944, E- Humphreys was doing much the same against the National Fire Service Overseas Contingent — some traditions really do span the decades. 🏏0️⃣ Midweek XI v Bexley CC Rob Jackson departed at 7, bowled Christopher Allbut, for his 3rd of the season and 11th career duck — a brisk return from only 37 innings, good enough for 83rd of 1288. A paid-up member of the Debutante Duck club and a former Duck of the Year, Rob clearly takes his ducking seriously — and it's evidently hereditary, with sibling Adam Jackson also carrying a couple of career noughts on the family ledger. Back on this day in 1895, Ernest Cruttenden was similarly dismissed against Rochester CC en route to that year's Duck of the Year crown. Sunday 1st XI v Downham & Bellingham CC Daniel Thirkell went at number 4, stumped by David Crouch Jr off Colin Powell — a proper committee dismissal. His 3rd of the season and 19th career duck from 250 innings holds him at 52nd of 1288, and a member of the Tourist Duck top 10 to boot. The Thirkell name is, of course, practically load-bearing for this club's duck ledger — John Thirkell sits at number 1 all-time with a mighty 90, Tim on 75, a parent-child link to Nigel on 55, plus Simon (46), Christopher (10) and Stuart (1) all quacking away in the background. Daniel is very much carrying the family firm. On this day in 1952, Gordon Fenner made a duck of his own, en route to 34 for his career. 0️⃣🦆 Week in Summary Three ducks from four matches — a modest harvest, no pairs, no family doubles this time, but a rather tidy symmetry with everyone landing on their season's third. The art of not scoring continues to be practised with quiet consistency. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard 🥇 1. Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks / 12 innings (33.3%) 2. Richard Piper — 4 ducks / 21 innings (19.1%) 3. Adam Pooley — 3 ducks / 6 innings (50.0%) 4. Michael Beeney — 3 ducks / 11 innings (27.3%) 5. Stuart Cheesman — 3 ducks / 12 innings (25.0%) Adam Pooley's 50% strike rate remains a monument to triumph through adversity — half his innings end without troubling the scorers at all. Fixtures continue this week, and the Duck Club watches on with quiet optimism. Who's next to join the honours board? 🦆🍩

Four fixtures on the fixture list this week, but the noughts arrived in a tidy little cluster: all three of the week's ducks fell in a single innings, at home to Ipswich Greyhounds CC - Kent Tour XI. The touring Kent side evidently fancied its bowling. 🏏 Midweek XI v Ipswich Greyhounds CC - Kent Tour XI Tim Thirkell, batting at 4, fell caught off Nathan Philpott — the fielder's name lost somewhere in the scorebook's mists — for his 2nd duck of the season and a mighty 75th of a career now spanning 762 innings. That's 4th on the all-time list, a former Duck of the Year (1972), and a standing member of the Full House board (a duck at every position, 1 to 11), plus the Homebody and Lone Duck top tens and the Ducks on the Road elite. Fittingly, given his Quacking Together honour shared with a certain Jim Hall, his old accomplice joined him in the walk back in that very same innings — more below. And on this very date in 1997, Fred Cheesman also made a duck against these same Ipswich tourists — some fixtures simply have a taste for it. Mark Christmas followed at 7, caught by Philpott off the bowling of G Spencer, for his 2nd duck of the season and 4th of his career from just 31 innings — 165th all-time, and still eyeing that elusive final slot to complete his own Full House. Like his captain, he too echoes Fred Cheesman's 1997 vintage on this same July date. And completing the set, Jim Hall was run out at 8 for his 1st duck of the season, his 75th career nought from 478 innings — level with Thirkell himself, and good enough for 3rd on the all-time podium. Jim's honours board reads like a small library: three Duck of the Year titles (1970, 1977, 1985), a Debutante Duck from his very first innings back in the day, and no fewer than five Quacking Together and Only Two Quacks pairings — including, aptly, the very Tim Thirkell partnership renewed this week. And yes, on this day in 1997 Fred Cheesman was busy doing the same against these same tourists. 📊 Week in Brief Three ducks from four matches, every one of them from the same Midweek innings against Ipswich Greyhounds — a rare case of the Duck Club going full team effort in one sitting. If you're going to entertain the touring Kent XI, apparently you do it properly. 🏆 Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard — Top 5 - Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks from 12 innings (33.3%) - Richard Piper — 4 ducks from 18 innings (22.2%) - Adam Pooley — 3 ducks from 6 innings (50.0%) - Michael Beeney — 3 ducks from 11 innings (27.3%) - Stuart Cheesman — 3 ducks from 12 innings (25.0%) Adam Pooley's 50% strike rate remains the most alarming number in the club, in the best possible way. 🦆 The ducks never wander far from Linton Park. Roll on the next fixture — someone's overdue.

A modest weekend for the exclusive zero club — five ducks harvested from four matches, but modest in number only. The quality of company on offer was, as ever, first-rate. Saturday — 2nd XI away at Horton Kirby CC Mike Elworthy went first, bowled Rod Wickens at four. His 2nd duck of the season and 40th of a growing career lifts him to 16th on the all-time list, a proud Tourist Duck top 10 resident. On this very day back in 1975, club great Jon Harris was also trudging off for nought, against Tilling Steven, on his way to an eventual 84. Tim Thirkell followed, caught behind off Dane Bull for his 1st duck of the season and 74th of an illustrious career — 4th all-time, level with Jim Hall, whose name already sits alongside his on the Quacking Together board. Tim also boasts the deepest duck bloodline in the club, six Thirkells strong, led by John Thirkell's 90. Fittingly, his own duck shares Jon Harris's 1975 anniversary too. Matthew Carter completed the set, lbw to Keith Lockyer — his 5th career duck from only 10 innings, 143rd all-time, and already a paid-up member of the Debutante Duck club from his first-ever knock some innings back. A third duck to fall on the Harris anniversary — Horton Kirby clearly has form with 19 July. Sunday — 1st XI at home to Sidcup CC Richard Piper was stumped off Mohammed Ishtiaq for his 4th duck of the season, tightening his grip on the 2003 Duck of the Year crown. His 32nd career duck ranks 27th all-time, a Full House and Lone Duck top 10 man with noughts running in the family — parent Brian Piper carries 20 of his own. On this day in 2002, Stewart Morrison also made a duck, against Leeds & Broomfield CC. Sunday — 2nd XI away at Meopham CC John Coles added his 1st career duck, lbw to Malcolm Roxburgh, from four innings so far — 481st all-time and climbing. He shares his moment with Piper's 2002 counterpart Stewart Morrison, felled on this same date a year before. Week in Summary Five ducks, four matches, no pairs and no family affairs this time — just honest, solitary failure. Horton Kirby proved the happiest hunting ground, claiming three scalps in a single innings. 🥇 Duck Hunting Season leaderboard - Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks in 10 innings (40%) - Richard Piper — 4 ducks in 16 innings (25%) - Adam Pooley — 3 ducks in 6 innings (50%) - Michael Beeney — 3 ducks in 9 innings (33.3%) - Stuart Cheesman — 3 ducks in 11 innings (27.3%) The race for Duck of the Year runs hot. Next fixture, the club awaits — who's adding to the tally? 🍩🏏

Seven ducks laid across four matches this week as LPCC's exclusive zero club welcomed familiar faces back through its dubious doors. Saturday 12 July 1st XI away to Hollingbourne CC produced an early brace. Stuart Cheesman was run out for his 3rd of the season and 37th career duck, good enough for 21st on the all-time list. A paid-up Debutante Duck, double Duck of the Year (1994 and 1996) and proud holder of a Full House (a duck at every position 1 to 11), Stuart shares this date with Len Conway, who fell the same way against Claributs Circus back in 1964, one of twelve career ducks across a decade at the crease (1954-1965). Michael Beeney followed, bowled by Mike Donald for his 3rd of the season and 19th career duck. His collection already carries a Diamond Duck (2002, out without facing a ball) and a Retirement Duck, and like Stuart he keeps company today with Len Conway's 1964 vintage. Over at the 2nd XI, also hosting Hollingbourne, Rob Jackson was bowled by Paul Kelf for his 2nd of the season and 10th career duck — a Debutante Duck and Duck of the Year 2002 in the making. Same fixture, same calendar echo of Len Conway back in '64. Sunday 13 July The 1st XI's trip to Chestfield CC was a proper harvest — three down for nought. Craig Sands opened and closed his innings almost simultaneously, caught behind off Wayne George for his maiden career duck in just his 31st innings. On this very day in 1968, Paul Bowles was falling to Beverley CC, Kent, on his way to a club-record 54 ducks. Adam Pooley followed, caught off the same bowler for his 3rd of the season and 26th career duck. Adam already holds an Only Two Quacks honour alongside Paul Bowles himself — and fittingly, today's shared date pairs him with that very namesake once again. Stewart Morrison completed the rout, caught off David Stephens for his 36th career duck, 23rd on the all-time list. A Debutante Duck, Duck of the Year 2000, Lone Duck top-ten fixture and perennial Full House nearly-man, Stewart too walks in step with the 1968 Bowles vintage. Wednesday 16 July Midweek XI's fixture with Lord Cornwallis XI brought Mark Christmas back for his 1st duck of the season, bowled by L- Pearson, and 3rd career duck — edging ever closer to a Full House with 10 of 11 positions now ticked off. On this day in 1960, Gordon Fenner suffered identically against Rumwood CC en route to 34 career ducks. Week in Summary Seven ducks from four matches, three of them arriving in one tidy Chestfield collapse. No pairs, no king pairs, no family affairs this week — just honest, workmanlike failure spread evenly across the club. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard 1. Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks, 10 innings, 40% 2. Adam Pooley — 3 ducks, 6 innings, 50% 3. Michael Beeney — 3 ducks, 9 innings, 33.33% 4. Stuart Cheesman — 3 ducks, 10 innings, 30% 5. Richard Piper — 3 ducks, 15 innings, 20% Adam Pooley leads the percentage race by some distance — one more failure this season and he tips clean over the 50% mark. Next fixture, next chance. The zero club never closes its books — see you all on the honours board soon. 🦆🍩

Four ducks fell to the traps across three fixtures this week, with a couple of them landing in the same over at Bearsted. Read on for the gory detail. 🏏 Saturday — 2nd XI at Shipbourne Trevor Back departed for nought at Shipbourne, snapped up by Bone off Neil Lee-Amies batting at number six. It's Trevor's 1st duck of the season and his 59th for the club, keeping him a lofty 6th in the all-time standings out of 1,286 names — a permanent fixture of both the Ducks on the Road and Homebody Duck top tens, the Lone Duck elite, and the "Quacking Together" roll of honour alongside Jon Harris. On this very day in 1943, Herbert Sunley was doing much the same thing against Mr Ashby's XI, en route to 5 career ducks of his own. 🌱 Sunday — 2nd XI at home to Bearsted A Robin Cross masterclass at the top of the order. Fred Cheesman, opening the batting, was snaffled by David Bracey off Cross for his 3rd duck of the season, 40th of his career, still 15th all-time. Three down the order Adam Pooley fell to Cross too, bowled for his 2nd of the season and 25th career duck, 37th all-time. The pair share the "Only Two Quacks" board between them, and this pairing looked rather fitting all over again. Adam remains a card-carrying member of the Retirement Duck club from a past farewell. Both, neatly, echo history — on this day in 1968 Paul Bowles made a duck against Charles Arkcoll, one of 54 in a career that still sits 8th all-time. ⚡ Midweek — Midweek XI at Gravesend Fred Cheesman again, caught Dale Clarkson bowled Timothy Cutler, for his 4th duck of the season and 41st career duck. That completes a grim pair for Fred this week — Sunday and Wednesday both settled without scoring, a consistency of a very particular kind. A two-time Duck of the Year (1990, 1991) and Full House laureate with a duck at every position 1 to 11, Fred keeps it in the family too, with Stuart Cheesman (36 career ducks) and Steve Cheesman (14) both paid-up members of the zero club. On this day in 1994, Simon Thirkell was likewise dismissed without scoring against Horton Kirby CC, one of 46 ducks on his way to the "50 Before a 50" board. 📋 Week in Summary Four ducks in three matches, with Fred Cheesman single-handedly accounting for half the tally and Robin Cross doing a fine impression of a duck-factory foreman. Triumph through adversity, twice over. 🏆 Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard - Fred Cheesman — 4 ducks / 8 innings (50%) - Richard Piper — 3 ducks / 13 innings (23%) - Adam Pooley — 2 ducks / 5 innings (40%) - Dennis Salisbury — 2 ducks / 5 innings (40%) - Michael Beeney — 2 ducks / 7 innings (29%) Fred sits well clear at the top with the season still to run. Who fancies the chase? Pads on, bat forward, see you at the next fixture — the zero club never closes its doors. 🦆

🏏 Saturday 28th June — Shipbourne CC (away) The 1st XI's trip to Shipbourne produced a brace of noughts. Russell Baldwin departed at first drop, caught behind off Oliver Harris, for his 2nd duck of the season and 11th of a substantial career — 117 innings deep and now sitting 83rd of 1286 in the all-time standings. On this very day in 1975, Phil Hickman was doing much the same against Tilling Steven, one of the 8 career ducks that got him to 105th all-time. Kevin Presneill kept him company down the order, caught off Simon Price for his own 2nd duck of the season and a tidy 3rd of his career from just 29 innings — up to 206th all-time. He shares that same 1975 echo, Hickman's ghost apparently partial to a Saturday in late June. 🏏 Sunday 29th June — Clarion CC (home) Richard Piper fell for nought at first drop, caught off E Gransden, his 3rd duck of the season and a hearty 31st of his career from 195 innings — 28th of 1286 all-time. Richard arrives already garlanded: reigning Duck of the Year 2003, and a fixture of the Full House, Lone Duck, Homebody Duck and Ducks on the Road honours boards, so this one simply tidies the trophy cabinet. It runs in the family too, father Brian sitting on 20 career ducks and brother James on 3. Back on this day in 1907, Ernest Cruttenden was at the same trade against Town Malling CC, one of the 10 career ducks that made him Duck of the Year 1895. 🏏 Sunday 29th June — Headcorn CC (away) A small convention of ducks at Headcorn. Chris Newman was bowled by Richard Daking after five balls of stern resistance, his 1st ever LPCC duck from only 3 innings — and he joins father Clive Newman, a veteran of 12 career ducks, on the family roll of honour. And making his LPCC debut, Desmond High marked his very first senior innings with a nought, caught off Matt Boatwright — a Debutante Duck the moment he walked out, already 401st of 1286 all-time before he'd even settled in. Both share Ernest Cruttenden's 1907 vintage as their historical bedfellow. 📋 The Week in Brief Five ducks across four matches — a steady rather than spectacular haul, though with the Pipers and the Newmans both represented, the gene pool is doing its bit for the cause. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard 1. Richard Piper — 3 ducks / 11 innings (27.3%) 2. Dennis Salisbury — 2 ducks / 5 innings (40.0%) 3. Fred Cheesman — 2 ducks / 6 innings (33.3%) 4. Michael Beeney — 2 ducks / 6 innings (33.3%) 5. Stuart Cheesman — 2 ducks / 6 innings (33.3%) Next weekend's fixtures await their own contributions to the cause. Bat carefully — or don't, we're watching either way. 🦆🏏0️⃣

Three matches out on the paddock this weekend, and the Duck Club managed a modest brace — both harvested in the very same fixture, from the very same beleaguered top order. Quality over quantity, as they say. Sunday 1st XI v Holborough Anchorians CC Stuart Cheesman came in at seven and departed caught and bowled by Nolan Wilde, his 2nd duck of the season and 36th for the club in 313 innings — a lofty 22nd in the all-time table. Stuart's honours cabinet already groans under a Duck of the Year double (1994 and 1996) and the rare Full House (a duck at every position 1 to 11), so number seven was simply ticking another box on a very thorough tour of the order. He's flanked in the family album by parent Fred Cheesman (39 career ducks) and sibling Steve (14) — clearly a household where the art of not scoring runs in the blood. On this very day back in 1991, Dave Charlton was doing exactly the same thing against West Farleigh CC — some traditions refuse to die. Two down the order, Michael Beeney fell bowled by Martin Wood for his own 2nd of the season, moving to 18 career ducks in 129 innings and 55th on the all-time list. Michael's cabinet carries a Diamond Duck from 2002 and an Only Two Quacks pairing with Ian Brattle, plus a Retirement Duck sitting quietly on the shelf from a past farewell — no danger of that repeating itself today, just business as usual. Son Thomas already has a career duck of his own (1) waiting in the wings. Michael shares the same on-this-day company as Stuart — Dave Charlton's 1991 vintage. The Numbers Two ducks from three matches this weekend, both courtesy of the Sunday 1st XI top order — every other Sunday side kept its head down and its bat straight. A quiet weekend for the hunters, but the season race stays lively. Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard - 1st: Stuart Cheesman — 2 ducks / 4 innings (50%) - 2nd: Dennis Salisbury — 2 ducks / 5 innings (40%) - 3rd: Fred Cheesman — 2 ducks / 5 innings (40%) - 4th: Michael Beeney — 2 ducks / 6 innings (33.3%) - 5th: Daniel Thirkell — 2 ducks / 8 innings (25%) A five-way share of the summit, and with Stuart's own father lurking in third, the Cheesman clan look set for a season-long tussle of their own. Next fixture, same rules apply — pad up, and may the odds be ever un-favourable. 🏏🦆0️⃣

Five wickets, zero runs, plenty of pride swallowed. The exclusive zero club welcomed five fresh admissions this week, and not one of them had the decency to nick off first ball — every duck below at least survived long enough to get comfortable before the walk back. 🏏 Saturday 14th June 1st XI v Bearsted CC — Daniel Thirkell, at five, was pinned lbw by Jonathan Lee for his 2nd duck of the season and 18th of an increasingly distinguished career, hoisting him to 53rd of 1285 in the all-time record and keeping his place in the Tourist Duck top 10. Fittingly for a man who shares a surname with roughly half the honours board, on this very day in 1970 Mick Filmer was also queuing up for a duck, that one against Bobbing Court CC. 2nd XI v Milstead CC — Richard Piper, batting six, was snapped up behind the stumps off Ken West for his 2nd of the season, his 30th career quack and a rise to 29th all-time. Piper already holds Full House status (a duck at every position, 1 to 11 — a masterclass in versatility through failure) plus places in the Lone Duck, Homebody Duck and Ducks on the Road top 10s, and currently tops the Duck of the Year 2003 table, a crown he is doing everything possible to defend. Like Daniel across the county, Piper's nought also lands on the same date Mick Filmer chose back in 1970. 🌱 Sunday 15th June Sunday 2nd XI v Offham CC — Russell Baldwin was bowled by Seb Lucas at five, opening his account for the season and reaching 10 for his career, good for 89th all-time. On this day in 1969, Frank Brattle was doing exactly the same thing against Bobbing Court CC, en route to a career total of 38. 🐣 Wednesday 18th June Midweek XI v Sevenoaks & District Wednesday CC — a rare double helping, both falling to the same bowling pair. Christopher Thirkell, at seven, was caught off E Jarvis for his 2nd of the season and 10th overall, leaving him agonisingly one honour short as a "Full House nearly-man" with 10 of 11 positions ducked at. One place later, Rob Jackson was bowled by the same E Jarvis for his 1st duck of the season and 9th career, a paid-up member of the Debutante Duck club from a past first-innings arrival, and Duck of the Year back in 2002. Both batsmen share a parallel with Robert Murray, who made his own duck against Halfway House on this same date in 1961. 📊 Week in brief Five matches, five ducks, four different teams touched — a fair spread of misery rather than one unlucky side copping the lot. No golden ducks recorded, so at least everyone can say they faced a ball in anger before departing. E Jarvis can fairly claim the week's most efficient spell, removing two Midweek batsmen for nought in the same innings. 🏆 Duck Hunting Season leaderboard - Fred Cheesman — 2 ducks in 4 innings (50%) - Dennis Salisbury — 2 ducks in 5 innings (40%) - Daniel Thirkell — 2 ducks in 6 innings (33.33%) - Richard Piper — 2 ducks in 9 innings (22.22%) - Christopher Thirkell — 2 ducks in 13 innings (15.38%) Fred Cheesman sits top on strike rate for nought, but with fixtures coming thick and fast there's ample time for a change at the summit. See you at the next match, ducks — the crease awaits, and so, statistically, does the pavilion. 🦆🏏0️⃣

A quiet weekend for the hunters — just two ducks recorded from three matches — but what it lacked in volume it made up for in company, with both victims falling in the very same innings. 🏏 Sunday 2nd XI — Speldhurst CC (away) Fred Cheesman opened the batting and departed lbw b Dave Booth without troubling the scorers. It's his 2nd duck of the season and a formidable 39th of a career now spanning 249 innings, good enough for 16th on the all-time list of 1,283. A two-time Duck of the Year (1990 and 1991), a Full House man with a duck logged at every position 1 to 11, and a fixture in the Tourist Duck top 10 — Fred is, by any measure, a season professional at this. He shares the Only Two Quacks honour with today's fellow victim Adam Pooley, and evidently it runs in the family too, with Stuart Cheesman (35 career ducks) and Steve Cheesman (14) both proud paid-up members of the wider clan's zero club. On this very day back in 1993, Ian Brattle was going through much the same routine against The Mote CC, en route to a career total of 46. Adam Pooley, in at six, was bowled by Paul Wood for his first duck of the season and 24th of his career — 40th on the all-time roll of honour. He too holds an Only Two Quacks credential, first with Fred today and separately with Paul Bowles down the years, and carries a presumptive Retirement Duck entry on his board from an earlier lean patch — though clearly the club wasn't quite finished with him yet, given he's back among the wickets this weekend. He joins Fred in echoing Ian Brattle's effort of 8 June 1993 against The Mote CC. 📋 Week in Summary Three matches, two ducks, both from the same Speldhurst innings — a tidy, low-yield weekend that suggests the rest of the club batted rather too sensibly for the Duck Club's liking. Normal service, one assumes, will resume shortly. 🥇 Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard 1. Fred Cheesman — 3 innings, 2 ducks (66.7%) 2. Dennis Salisbury — 5 innings, 2 ducks (40.0%) 3. Dave Charlton — 1 innings, 1 duck (100%) 4. James Piper — 1 innings, 1 duck (100%) 5. John Haggart — 2 innings, 1 duck (50.0%) Dave Charlton and James Piper currently boast the purest strike rate in the club — a flawless 100%. Let's see who can spoil it next time out. 🍩 The season rolls on, and the ducks are surely just resting up before the next fixture. Bring your bats, gentlemen — or don't bother, apparently.

A quieter weekend by Linton's usual standards but the zero club still took delivery of four fresh members, spread neatly across Saturday and Sunday. Quality over quantity this time round. Saturday 31 May 1st XI away at Headcorn CC — David Castle opened the innings and opened the club's account for the weekend too, caught Ali Lee bowled Mike Donnelly. His 1st duck of the season nudges him to 37 for his career from 638 innings, good enough for 20th on the all-time list and a paid-up member of the Tourist Duck top 10 — proof that misery travels well. On this very day back in 1969, Benny Bell was doing much the same against Tovil, eventually retiring on 30 career ducks. 2nd XI at home to Southborough CC served up a brace. Mike Elworthy went first, bowled Ollie Young for his 1st of the season and 39th of his career in 385 innings — 16th on the all-time roll and another Tourist Duck top 10 name. Fittingly, 1969 produced a companion in misfortune here too: Benny Bell, out against Tovil on this same date, en route to his 30. Then Richard Piper somehow contrived to be stumped for nought — stumped Tom Carmichael, bowled Dave Fuller, a rare and specialist method of dismissal. His 1st duck of 2003 takes him to 29 career, and with a "Duck of the Year 2003" board credit already to his name he keeps himself firmly in this season's title conversation. He also holds down Ducks on the Road, Homebody Duck and Lone Duck top 10 places, plus the exacting Full House honour — a duck at every position 1 to 11, the completionist's badge of shame. A dynastic footnote too: father Brian Piper carries 20 career ducks of his own, and brother James Piper's 3 already have him propping up this very season's leaderboard below. Benny Bell, 1969, obliges with the parallel once more — evidently a vintage year for Tovil-inflicted noughts. Sunday 1 June Sunday 2nd XI at home to New Ifield CC saw Fred Cheesman survive nine deliveries before falling, caught B Melling bowled Robert Walker. His 1st duck this season is his 38th overall from 248 innings, 19th all-time. Fred's honours board reads like a family heirloom — Duck of the Year 1990 and 1991, the Full House, and Only Two Quacks alongside Adam Pooley — and the dynasty runs deep, with sons Stuart (35 career ducks) and Steve (14) both fully paid-up club members in their own right. On this day in 2002, Matthew Carter was making his own duck-on-debut against Horsmonden, an early instalment in what became a Debutante Duck. Week in summary Four matches, four ducks, no pairs and no family doubles this time — though the Pipers and Cheesmans between them prove the zero club remains a proper family affair even when it isn't official. Duck Hunting Season leaderboard - Dennis Salisbury — 4 innings, 2 ducks, 50% - Dave Charlton — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100% - James Piper — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100% - Fred Cheesman — 2 innings, 1 duck, 50% - John Haggart — 2 innings, 1 duck, 50% Plenty to play for as the season builds. Next weekend's fixtures await their own contributions to the cause — the zero club never closes its books for long. 🦆🏏0️⃣

A day at Sheldwich CC that the middle order will want to forget in a hurry. Five ducks fell in the same innings, backs five through nine, as the 1st XI staged what can only be described as a synchronised procession back to the pavilion. The exclusive zero club welcomes its latest cohort. 1st XI v Sheldwich CC (home) In at five, Stuart Cheesman fell b Simon Smith for a blob — his 1st duck of the season and a mighty 35th of a career now sitting 24th on the all-time list from 311 innings. A charter member of the Debutante Duck board (his very first senior innings, years back, ended exactly the same way), a two-time Duck of the Year (1994 and 1996), and — remarkably — the proud owner of a Full House, a duck at every position 1 to 11. Consistency of a very particular kind. Fittingly, on this very date in 1987 Martin Thompson (1975–1987) was doing precisely the same thing against John Fisher Old Boys. Next man in, Daniel Thirkell, departed b Ron Brown — 1st duck of his season, 17th of his career, good for 55th all-time from 235 innings and a proud resident of the Tourist Duck top 10. The Thirkell name is doing heavy lifting in these annals generally, with Nigel, Simon, Tim and John all deep into the honours boards themselves, so Daniel is merely keeping the family flame flickering. Same anniversary applies: Thompson, 1987, John Fisher Old Boys. Kevin Presneill followed, c Hammond b Smith, his 1st of the season and only his 2nd career duck from 24 innings — rank 286 of 1282, still finding his feet in the club of dubious distinction. The 1987 echo continues undimmed. Mike Redman edged behind, c Ansley b Hill, his 1st of the season and 3rd career duck from 20 innings, rank 211. Thompson, once more, keeping him company down the decades. And completing the set, Dennis Salisbury, c Creed b Brown, notched his 2nd duck of the season already — his 6th career duck from just 16 innings, rank 123 of 1282. Triumph through adversity: he now sits top of this season's leaderboard, and on this form nobody is catching him soon. Week in summary: 5 ducks from 1 match, every single one clustered in the same Sheldwich innings — a proper middle-order pile-up, and a fine early marker for the 2003 vintage. Duck Hunting Season leaderboard - Dennis Salisbury — 3 innings, 2 ducks, 66.67% - Dave Charlton — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100% - James Piper — 1 innings, 1 duck, 100% - John Haggart — 2 innings, 1 duck, 50% - Michael Beeney — 2 innings, 1 duck, 50% The season is young and the noughts are already flowing freely. Next fixture awaits — who joins the club, and who dares avoid it? 🍩🏏0️⃣

A quiet weekend on the poultry front, ladies and gentlemen. Two matches played across the club, and not a single soul could be persuaded to walk back for nought. The Duck Club's scouts were out in force, notebooks poised, and came home entirely empty-handed. 0️⃣ It happens. Even the most committed collectors of the golden goose egg need the odd weekend off, and this was it — a rare vegan fixture list, free of fowl, free of failure, free of the sweet ignominy we hold so dear. Somewhere, the honours board gathers a fraction more dust. Do not mistake this for good news. It is, at best, a temporary ceasefire. The season is young, the bowlers are sharpening their radar, and history tells us the Duck Club never stays hungry for long. 🥇 Duck Hunting Season leaderboard - Dave Charlton — 1 duck / 1 innings (100%) - James Piper — 1 duck / 1 innings (100%) - Dennis Salisbury — 1 duck / 2 innings (50%) - John Haggart — 1 duck / 2 innings (50%) - Michael Beeney — 1 duck / 2 innings (50%) Charlton and Piper share top billing on a flawless — if not exactly flattering — strike rate of 100%, while Salisbury, Haggart and Beeney keep things respectable with one blemish apiece. Plenty of season left for the also-rans to make their move. 🏏 So there we are — a lean weekend for the exclusive zero club, but the fixture list keeps coming, and with it the bowlers, the LBW shouts, and the inevitable next candidate for glorious failure. Get out there, middle nothing, and give the correspondent something to write about next week. The ducks are only ever resting. 🍩

Only one fixture troubled the scorers this weekend, but Hollingbourne CC's Trevor Scrivens made it count twice: a tidy brace for his bowling figures and a bleak afternoon for Linton Park's middle and lower order. 1st XI v Hollingbourne CC (home, Sat 10 May) - Dave Charlton, in at five, fell to Trevor Scrivens for nought. It's their 1st duck of the season and 25th of a well stocked career, good enough for 39th on the all time list of 1,282 hopefuls. On this very day in 1958, club legend John Thirkell (1943 to 1977, 90 ducks, still the all time number 1) also strolled back for a duck, against Bearsted CC. Dave's sibling Sean Charlton is no stranger to the zero club either, with 4 career ducks to their name, evidently a family talent. - At number ten, Dennis Salisbury joined the procession, also bowled Scrivens for a duck, their 1st of the season and 5th of their career, 136th on the all time roll. Dennis shares the very same on this day company as Dave, John Thirkell's 1958 effort against Bearsted CC, proof the calendar has a long memory for noughts. Week in Summary Four matches played, two ducks recorded, one thoroughly satisfied Hollingbourne opening bowler. Trevor Scrivens claimed both wickets personally, the sort of afternoon that earns a name a permanent mention in Linton folklore for entirely the wrong reasons. Elsewhere the ducks evaded capture, so a quiet weekend for the club's least wanted society. Duck Hunting Season leaderboard 1. Dave Charlton, 1 innings, 1 duck, 100% 2. James Piper, 1 innings, 1 duck, 100% 3. Dennis Salisbury, 2 innings, 1 duck, 50% 4. John Haggart, 2 innings, 1 duck, 50% 5. Michael Beeney, 2 innings, 1 duck, 50% Early days yet in the 2003 hunt, with the podium wide open. Next fixture will surely bring fresh names to the roll of dishonour, the Duck Club will, as ever, be watching. 🍩0️⃣🏏

A quiet weekend for the exclusive zero club — three matches played, and only one soul brave (or unlucky) enough to accept membership dues. Sometimes the ducks simply refuse to be caught. Not today's story though — today's story belongs entirely to one man. 🏏 2nd XI — Borden CC (away) James Piper walked out at number 8 on Saturday 3rd May and departed without troubling the Borden CC scorebook, caught by Peter Bimson off the bowling of Tim Harwood. It's his 1st duck of the 2003 season and the 3rd of a career now running to seven innings — a strike rate for nought that's starting to look less like bad luck and more like a calling. He sits 203rd of 1282 in the all-time standings, a respectable spot in a very crowded room. There's poultry in the blood too — sibling Richard Piper carries 28 career ducks and parent Brian Piper a further 20, so James isn't so much joining the family business as clocking in for his shift. The art of not scoring, evidently, runs in the genes. And in a delightful quirk of the calendar, on this very day back in 1997 David Castle also strolled back for nought, against Bidborough CC no less. Castle went on to finish his 1982–2003 career with 36 ducks, good for 20th all-time and a paid-up member of the Tourist Duck top 10 — proof that today's ignominy is tomorrow's honours board entry, if James keeps at it. 📅 Week in Summary One duck from three matches is a lean haul by Duck Club standards — the other two fixtures passed by fowl-free, which frankly feels like a missed opportunity. Still, quality over quantity, and James Piper's solitary contribution keeps the 2003 season's tally ticking over nicely. 🥇 Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard - James Piper — 1 innings, 1 duck (100%) - Clive Newman — 2 innings, 1 duck (50%) - John Haggart — 2 innings, 1 duck (50%) - Michael Beeney — 2 innings, 1 duck (50%) - Christopher Thirkell — 3 innings, 1 duck (33.33%) Five names locked at one apiece and the season still young — plenty of time for someone to break clear of the pack. Next fixture, more willow will be waved and, in the finest traditions of the club, someone will almost certainly wave it at nothing. See you there. 🦆0️⃣

Two Linton Park fixtures on the books this weekend, and while Saturday passed largely uneventful, Sunday's trip to face GNG CC GRFC turned into something of a batting collapse worth celebrating for all the wrong reasons. Four names added to the ledger, all in the very same innings — a proper cluster of quacks. Sunday 2nd XI v GNG CC GRFC Christopher Thirkell went first, caught off Jeff Allen at number two — his first duck of the new season and the 9th of a career now standing at 43 innings, good enough for 90th on the all-time list. He's a nearly-man of the Full House board, ten of eleven positions ducked at and still hunting the set. With a surname like Thirkell he was always destined for these pages too — John, Tim, Nigel, Simon, Daniel and Stuart between them prop up a small Thirkell dynasty of nought-getters on the honours board. Fittingly, on this very date in 1985 Paul Bowles was doing precisely the same thing against Penshurst Park CC — history repeating itself, 18 years on. Clive Newman followed at five, bowled by Nigel Dee for his first duck of the campaign and the 12th of a lengthy 288-innings career, good for 71st on the all-time chart. Same date, same fate as Christopher — 27 April 1985 was evidently a fine day for ducks, with Paul Bowles falling the identical way down at Penshurst. Michael Beeney made it three in the innings, caught off Neil Errington at nine for his 17th career duck, the season's first, moving him to 55th all-time. A paid-up member of the Diamond Duck and Retirement Duck boards from past honours, and holder of the rare Only Two Quacks distinction alongside Ian Brattle, Michael keeps it in the family too — son Thomas already has his own account open. And yes, 27 April 1985 claims another victim in Paul Bowles as well. Finally John Haggart, at ten, caught off Sukhpal Singh Rana — a debut innings ending in a debut duck, earning immediate and permanent membership of the Debutante Duck board, 477th on the all-time list from a standing start. Not the beginning he'd have scripted, but the Duck Club welcomes its newest member with open wings. Even the calendar joined in — 27 April 1985 saw Paul Bowles fall for nought too. 📊 Week in Summary Four ducks from two matches, every single one arriving in the same Sunday innings against GNG — call it a themed collapse. Saturday, by contrast, let the hunters go home empty-handed. 🥇 Duck Hunting Season Leaderboard 1. Clive Newman — 1 inn, 1 duck, 100% 2. John Haggart — 1 inn, 1 duck, 100% 3. Michael Beeney — 1 inn, 1 duck, 100% 4. Christopher Thirkell — 2 inn, 1 duck, 50% Early season, wide open field, plenty of time yet for someone to break clear. Next fixture, the ducks will no doubt be circling again — see you there. 🦆🏏0️⃣